he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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