if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
