im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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