She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
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