Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
