how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
What drink are we having for lunch?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
