you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
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