we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
cat food counts as protein by the way
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
