I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
