can u get pink eye on your cock?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
