The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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