Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
