Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
