So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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