I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
