You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you would pick up someone in the library
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
