On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
