to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize