Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I got inside last night via doggy door
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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