i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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