Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
