its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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