I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
