that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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