I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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