If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
