there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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