:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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