Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
