i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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