WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
