If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
When are your genitals available?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
