I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
