hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
