Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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