Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
