i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize