pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
