oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
