quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
