It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
