The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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