Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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