my mouth tastes like poor choices
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
