Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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