he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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