i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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