I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
