He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
