I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
