I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
