Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
