Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
