Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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